I don't know how I manage it. I mean you would think that someone who doesn't have a full-time job by the age of 28, is totally out of shape, and has little to no social life couldn't have anything to be prideful about, but it still manages to surprise me when it pops up.
I spent last week in Colorado. It was a major kick in the butt - both physically and spiritually. Every day I think I had a little (and sometimes big) battle with pride. Why is it so hard to put me aside? I am not that great, so it should be easier, shouldn't it?
I wanted to be a great example to the students, I love outdoorsy stuff. I feel like it is my element, I pride myself on being able to climb mountains, carry a canoe, rock climb and camp. But somehow, everything I tried to do, I failed at - even the simple stuff. It really annoyed me. I wanted to do better, not so much for them, I realized, but for me. Laying in the bottom of the cave, I realized it wasn't about me, that I could be an example without successfully navigating the bottomless pit. I think leadership is one of the places that you can quickly see how selfish you are.
I think I needed to fail, yet again, just to realize that I can't do the things that I have always depended on being able to do. I think the best way to get me to listen was for God to let me just miserably fail at every possible athletic attempt. I completely realize that I am out-of-shape, but even the things that didn't require anything but not being stupid, I failed at.
So, why after all the failures and rejections can I still be prideful? How can that be possible?
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2 comments:
First, I was glad to see you post again, I had been missing reading what you had to say, think, express . . .
Second, I have experienced that the times my struggle with pride comes out the most are when things in my life seem to be going the worst. Sure, pride can often show up when things are going really well and I hold myself in too high of esteem, but the real root of the issue seems to come out in the times of embarassment, discouragment, sadness and a realization of my lack of control. Just a thought.
Third, I think you are great.
speaking of humility, i have a job interview on wed to teach math.
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