Cancelling Mother's Day

I must admit that I love my family to death; they may drive me crazy, but the love is there.

One of the things I love about our family is our ability to bicker and joke - in ways that would horrify most other people.

My parents are great at bickering. They crack me up. And even though they bicker, I know that they genuinely love and like one another. The last bickering event was last night when I was at my parents' house for family dinner. I was told at the table that since I was getting a free meal, I would be responsible for settling a matter of dispute between the two. My dad begins immediately about how that sounds like my mom and I are ganging up on him (poor paranoid little man) and how I have to be neutral.

A little background: I hate conflict. As soon as my sister left for college, I became the deciding vote since I became the third vote, before then, my dad was usually completely overruled or there was a tie. Since I didn't want to disappoint anyone or take sides, I became Switzerland. Whenever my parents had contrary viewpoints, I told them that I was a neutral - a characteristic that my parents always reference (especially if they think that me voting might go against their desire).

We decided that both options would be presented to me in the fashion of would you prefer this or that. I mean we were talking some serious landscape light placement issues - the fate of the world depended on it. We go outside with a friendly reminder from each of my parents. My father told me he would kick my butt if I didn't agree with his choice, and my mom told me I wouldn't get dessert if I agreed with my father (not much of a deterrent since I had already snacked on three brownies and a bag of chips before dinner). So, I was presented with the two choices, not technically knowing who wanted what option excepting the fact that I know how my parents think. So, I sided with my mom (because we didn't need our landscaping lit up like an airport) and my dad started mumbling about the conspiracy.

Another aspect of bickering in my family is when my mom and I play games. We are bad. We accuse each other of cheating, purposely thwarting our plans just to be mean, and just all out trash talking back and forth. It is so bad, that the other day my dad said that we weren't allowed to play anymore if we were going to always be fighting.

Finally, the joke that everyone would be horrified, and in actuality, I kind of feel bad about this one. Last night for family dinner we had Italian sausages. Now, in my family, when we have certain meals, you can expect certain things to be part of the meal. If we have brats, there will be sauerkraut, baked beans, and corn in summer; if we have Italian sausage, there will be hot pepper rings, salad and mozzarella. Well, we were getting all the food out and my dad goes, "Where are the peppers?"

Large moment of silence as my mom has a questioning look on her face saying: Did we run out of peppers, oh no!

I see the look and ask, "Is Mother's Day going to be cancelled?" (I take my Italian sausage meal seriously, especially when my mom has been talking it up for the last month). Thankfully, tragedy was averted when we found the jar, and my mom has now decided that she will always keep a spare bottle at home.

We were laughing my reaction when my mom tells me that my dad suggested we go to a buffet for mother's day and was reading the list of food they would have. My mom told my dad she was interested in the buffet. He replied, "So it matters what your choice is?"

My mother, never devoid of spice" retorts, "No, not if it doesn't matter we go where you would like to go for Father's Day. My father was silent, probably because my mom has threatened eating McDonalds for Sunday lunch for all my life.